I'm Not Perfect

Today I'm going to share a little bit about myself here.....I mostly write about Elliott, because she's what I LOVE to write about! That's okay, but sometimes it's nice to talk about me, too ;)

Thanks to The Paper Mama for hosting a link-up and prompting women (myself included) to step in front of the camera. To shake off the insecurities, and to love on ourselves a little bit! It feels good!

So, here are a few fun prompts that Chelsey laid out for us to answer:

Obsessing over…Elliott's Valentine's. I cannot wait to give them out to all of my her friends!

Working on…Photos, selling my crap on eBay, keeping my house clean

Thinking about…Bills. Bleh.

Anticipating...The weekend! I'm going to go see The Vow with girlfriends, relax, and hopefully sleep in! 

Listening to…The Big Bang Theory is on in the living room. I can hear it from here, and it's calling my name ;)

Eating…Nothing (for once!) Just sipping some ice water

Wishing…I would win the lottery. 

And, here's what I've been thinking about myself lately:

I hate to exercise

I talk way too much sometimes

 

 I can be selfish

I can be a stick-in-the-mud

 I'm a perfectionist

I expect a LOT from others

I can be impatient
I am sometimes an aggressive driver

 I can't cook
I hate to clean

 I am motivated
I am confident (most days)
I am proud of myself and my accomplishments
I love deeply
I take pride in making others around me happy
I am talented at many things
I might not be good at being perfect, but there are lots of other things that I am good at.

Some Thoughts on Waiting

It's not a secret that the process of expanding our family hasn't gone as I would have planned.
No, we're not struggling with infertility, and no, our marriage isn't on the rocks.
So, then, why haven't we popped out baby #2 yet?!

I get the question a lot, and I've finally come to terms with some good solid reasons.

If you had asked me a few months ago why weren't trying for another baby, I might have been bitter and angry, and told you to mind your own business. My heart (and my uterus) have been ready for a long time. But, now is not the time to be making such heavy decisions based on my feelings.

This post is to bring myself some peace about decisions that have been made, and about timelines and questions left unanswered.

This post isn't meant for any inquiring mind, either, other than my own. I've finally been able to wrap my brain around some solid reasons to wait to have another baby, and I'm ready to talk......that's all.

 I've spent many mornings in the shower agonizing over our decisions, and many sleepless nights trying to find a way to make things work. I've calculated and recalculated the numbers, weighing debt and income, bills and paychecks. I've contemplated every possible scenario: giving up cable, internet, and cell phones; create a once-a-month-cooking meal plan and ditch eating out altogether; quit my job and trade in both cars for one beater car to share; win the lottery.
There's really no way around it: we don't make enough money right now to support another baby.
Trust me, I've tried to make it work!
The biggest problem is that I don't have insurance right now. Working part time gives me the option to buy insurance, but at quite the premium (in fact, the premium each month would equal more than I even bring home.....). Scott works full time, but is considered a temporary employee for the government, so again, we would be paying the entire premium for an insurance plan through his job. Scott has medical insurance through the VA and Elliott is currently on state-funded insurance. I know that it's risky for me to be without health insurance, but we really have no other options. We make too much to qualify for any other form of assistance, and yet we cannot afford insurance for ourselves! (I'm hugely grateful that the state is paying for Elliott's healthcare......it's a blessing, and we will be taking over the burden of her health insurance costs just as soon as we can!)

Not having medical insurance was the nail-in-the-coffin for my baby-making plans.
In my dream-world, I would have raised three or four children, each right around 2 years apart.
With this financial hiccup, it throws the whole plan off. By the time we are able to have one more child, I will be almost 30.....the thought of four children (and maybe even the thought of three) is starting to turn into just that: a dream.

My husband's incessant "later" in reply to my desperate pleadings about having another baby wasn't enough of an answer for me for a long time. I had to come to the conclusion that now isn't our time all on my own, through my own stubbornness. For the past year, I've battled with how I could make it work, and now I finally see: having a baby right now is not an option.
In fact, I'm scared to see what would happen if I did get pregnant. We really would be caught in the middle, and would somehow have to find a way to pay out of pocket for pre-natal care, childbirth, and all the other necessities that come with bringing a new life into this world. Sure, we could do without some of the luxuries we live with now, but the cost of pre-natal care and birth is astronomical and tightening our budget wouldn't get us much closer to being able to afford it, that's for sure!

So with my mind made up that we must wait until Scott has graduated and found a job, I've decided that waiting to have another child isn't all bad. This time with Ellie is precious, and I refuse to take it for granted by letting bitter thoughts consume me. I don't know about you, but making a list always helps me feel better (read: in control). So, here's my list as to why waiting more than two years between babies isn't entirely terrible:

1. We get more time with Elliott.
This, in turn, scares me because we won't have this kind of one-on-one, devoted time to give to our next child. But, we have it and we should take advantage of it. Ellie will one day be a big sister, so I want to invest all the time I have right now into shaping her into the best big sister she can be! Once our time is divided, I know that it will all work out and we will love each of our children equally. For now, though, I'm going to soak up the cuddles, play on the floor, and teach Ellie everything I know!

2. I get my body to myself.
I never really got a chance to breastfeed, but I know many moms feel as if their body is not their own when they are pregnant for nine months, breastfeed for a year or more, and then go right into another pregnancy. I've had two years of having my body to myself, and I have to say, I haven't really appreciated that as much as I should. I want to enjoy the body that I have (and to enjoy it, I would need to be about 30 pounds lighter), cherish it and keep it healthy. I want to be healthier in my next pregnancy than I was with my first, so I will take this time to take care of it and start good habits.

3. I want to be a stay at home mom.
I always have wanted this, and I always will! While my thoughts on being a stay at home mom have changed since becoming a mom myself (mostly, I would like to be a work-at-home-mom, rather than a stay-at-home-mom), I know that it is still my goal. I feel bad that the past two years, and probably the next one year at least, of Ellie's life I have spent working, but it's what I need to do! I am at home with her as much as possible, and that's what counts. I know that by waiting to have our next child, I have a greater possibility of spending more time at home with my kids. Scott will be done with school in June, and will hopefully settle into a job shortly after that. Then we can evaluate our situation, and hopefully I can create enough income through photography and etsy so that I can, in fact, be a stay work at home mom.

Those are my three biggest reasons for being okay with our decision to wait on having another child. Now don't get me wrong, if we magically had insurance tomorrow, I'd change my mind in a heartbeat and we'd be on our way to adding a fourth member to this family. But since I don't see that happening anytime soon, I can't dwell on how fun it would be to have another baby right now (because there are many, many cool reasons to have babies close together, trust me). There are great reasons to wait, and that's what I'm setting my sights on. We are taking the high road in our situation, which isn't always the easiest decision to make. I want to be selfish and say that there's never a perfect time to have a baby (which is also true).....but I know that for us, we need to be smart about this.
God is in control, but He has entrusted me with many blessings and I am doing my best to make good decisions with those blessings.

Let's Be Real

I mentioned last week that I was feeling down. 

Thankful, but a little down in the dumps. 

It wasn't for attention, I was just being honest. 

And, I said that I was going to put my feelings out there to get them off my chest, so that's what this is. 

It's not meant to be depressing or attention-seeking......really it's for myself. I want to write about how I'm feeling so that I can make sense of my thoughts and emotions, and hopefully come out in the end with some closure or maybe a sense of peace. I have no direction or plan for this post, so hang on tight ;)

Depression, anxiety, and other mental health ailments plague my family. I try to be aware of my own tendencies so that I can do my best to rise above and continue to be me. I know all too well (both from work and personal experience) what these ailments can do to a person. I thank God that most of the time I am aware of my mental state.....I can "catch" things before they get me too off track. I'm also thankful for family and friends.....often times they are the ones to notice a change in me. A gentle nudge is usually all it takes to get me back.

Fall and Winter are when I can usually feel myself sink into a slump. I generally like the dreary PNW weather, but at the same time, the continually-grey skies and rain and gloom can really do a number on a person. This kind of weather (and lack of sunlight) makes it so nice to cozy up inside the house and just be....."cozy". But, being cozy and cooped up can also lead to sadness, loneliness, and a little OCD for me. My mind races about all the things I "should" be doing......and sometimes I drive myself a little nuts!

This year, the blues caught me off guard. I haven't had to deal with them for a few years (I think), so I guess I just wasn't expecting it. Also, I think I had many more catalysts this year. Just as the weather here was turning sour, my emotions and mental capacity were all focused on a few very intense topics: money (or lack there of), expanding our family (the prospect of), and direction and purpose in life (for both me and Scott). I seemed to constantly be thinking of these three subjects throughout the day, in one form or another, until they ultimately consumed my thoughts. 

Days pass where I simply cannot focus on mopping the floors, because I'm too stressed out about how we are going to pay our bills. In turn, the dirty floors are begging to be mopped, and my inability to complete simple household tasks makes me feel insignificant as a wife and mother. It's funny how quickly a simple task like mopping the kitchen floor can be turned into something much bigger, right? Add to all this that Christmas is quickly approaching, and my mood hit the bottom of the canyon. 

Also? My patience flew out the window. I find myself snapping at my husband and daughter.......it's ugly. 

I think that's the part I hate the most about myself right  now......my impatience. 

I know that our financial situation will improve soon. But the term "soon" is relative. I mean, Scott will be done with school in six months, but right now that seems like an eternity! I'm trying to stay calm. We've been able to pay our bills so far, and we've worked out a plan for Christmas gifts that I'm comfortable with (I hate not being able to give gifts, so it was important to me to factor that into our budget no matter how hard it might seem)......we will get through this! I just pray for some self-control for myself when it comes to money......I know that I would be less stressed if I spent less......I just need to make that happen.

Then there's the whole "expanding our family" business. Plain and simple: I WANT A BABY! It's clear as day to me, and my body screams for it daily. It's just the next step for me (and hopefully my family). BUT, Scott has reservations. Not about the idea of having another baby, but about the timing. 

If I am being honest, he's right. 

Right now is just not a good time to be adding to our family (see paragraph above). The money we do have would only seem like even less if we add another mouth to feed to this already-too-small house. 

I am willing to make the sacrifices it would take to have another little one right now, but I guess it's fair if Scott isn't. I mean, it sucks.....but it's fair. 

He's being reasonable and wants to wait. Wait until he graduates, gets a job, and we all have good insurance. Fair enough. But, it's just not what my heart and head are telling me. 

Finally, there's an idea I've been stuck on for months (20 months, to be exact). I had a hard time going back to work after I had Ellie. I never wanted to be a working mom. I always dreamed that I would stay at home with my children until they were in school. I knew throughout my pregnancy that I would have to go back to work. I'm so thankful that I've been able to go back to work for only part time. It took a while, but I finally got used to leaving Ellie for 20 hours each week. It's not fun, and I still hate leaving her......wondering what she's doing and if she said any new words while I was away. But, it's definitely gotten easier. 

The one thing that has not gotten easier is finding my identity. And, after being back at work for 20 months, I still feel like I'm neither a "working mom" or a "full time mom". I'm caught in the middle. 

There are good parts about being caught in the middle, like the fact that I can relate to both my working mom friends, and my stay at home mom friends. But for the most part, it's just confusing for me.

 I crave to have an identity that I can throw myself at whole-heartedly. 

I mean, obviously I take being a mom very serious. Ellie is my whole world, and I simply count down the hours as they pass while I'm at work. But being a stay at home mom would be completely different. I feel like my time at home with Ellie is spent somewhat distracted. I'm constantly reminded of the fact that I'm not a "full time mom", and that hurts. 

I know that Ellie doesn't know the difference, and she's not any worse off for it.......but still.

So there it is, laid all out for the world to see. 

I feel better after the long weekend I had with my family and some close friends. For people to ask if I was okay meant a lot to me. To be able to admit that I'm feeling down and there's really nothing anyone can do about it.......felt freeing. To write this all out and compartmentalize my "problems" (how OCD of me) feels even better. Just admitting what's bugging me somehow makes my burdens seem lighter. I really have no answers or solutions, and tomorrow might be darker than today was.......but I'm here, I'm aware, and I'm determined to make my life as good as I want it to be.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have to be honest.....I'm actually a little down in the dumps right now. I don't know if it's just me being silly, or if I'm legitimately upset, or if it's just a little seasonal thing since the weather has taken a sudden turn for the dreary. I'm going to be writing a very open and honest post soon.....lots of words and emotions and all that good stuff. Just not today. I want to get my feelings out and just even vent a little. And I will. 

But today is a day for being Thankful! 

And although I have plenty to mope about (or at least, I think I do), I am choosing to be happy today!

This picture is from last summer, and it definitely makes me happy!

Perhaps by making a list of all the things I'm thankful for, my mood will lighten up, huh? 

It's worth a shot!

~My Family~

This one is kind of a given. But really, with all of the sad and bad things I'm thinking lately.....my family is sometimes the only bright spot. My daughter makes me happier than I ever thought I could be, it's a love I only dreamed about. My husband is always there for me....the only person I've ever trusted so much. And my parents are sometimes the only "constant" in my life. They're always supporting me and they never give up on me. I could stop right now and this post could be complete. SO thankful for my family.

~My Life~

As much as it is a struggle to see the good right now, I really do have a good life. I try to be thankful for it on a daily basis, but sometimes I forget. I'm thankful for my home, a car to drive, my job, and clothes on my back and food in my belly. Necessities I try and not take for granted. 

~Friends~

I have some really great friends. I've met them from various occasions and times in my life, and they each know me in a special and different way. I'm the type that likes to have only a couple close friends, and I've been blessed to have more than a couple....and they're all more than great!

Blessed only begins to sum up how I feel when I recount everything that I'm thankful for. 

Trust me, I still feel an aching in my soul.....a sign that I've still got some demons to fight. 

But today I choose to be thankful; grateful for the blessings that are right in front of me.

Enjoy this day with your loved ones, and choose to be Thankful today!

Remembering.....

I know a lot of bloggers had a lot to say about the 10th anniversary of 9/11 today.

I don't have many words tonight.

Except that "anniversary" doesn't seem fitting. I mean, this isn't something we're celebrating. Remembering, yes. Mourning, yes. Commemorating, yes. Celebrating? Absolutely not.

There's no celebration, and I don't think there should even be any moving on. If we move on, that takes us farther from the feelings we had that day: anger, sadness, willingness to fight.

I think that, as Americans, we should always keep those feelings close to our heart, or else we risk losing our pride.

I really don't want to get all preach-ey about this, because I've spent the day in quiet reflection and silent prayers for those lives lost, their families, and for our nation. But, I guess this topic is closer to my heart than I will allow myself to remember, because suddenly I have many, many feelings about that day, and about our country and those who fight to defend it.

If it weren't for the events of 9/11, I really don't know how differently my life would have played out. Would Scott have joined the Army at all?! The Army took him thousands of miles away, trained him how to be a soldier, and exposed him to things he won't easily forget. I actually don't know why Scott decided to join the Army after high school graduation in 2002, and I'll be darned if I could get him to tell me why. But I do think that 9/11 was a part of his decision. Little did he know that his life would be forever changed. And while I wasn't around for his entire career as a soldier, I can tell you that he served honorably and diligently.

Today of all days was Scott's very last day serving this country as a soldier. I can't believe I'm actually tearing up as I type this, but this chapter in his life our lives is closed.

It changes a lot of things for us, and while this is a little bit scary, it's also a huge relief. Scott served for nine years including active duty and reserves, and spent many, many months deployed overseas. I'm relieved to have him home for good, and also very proud of his service.

He doesn't even think it's a big deal, but I know it is.

My heart is proud tonight, knowing that he finished the noble path that he started nine years ago. Whether Scott joined the Army to support his country after those cruel attacks, or he was just a wayward high school graduate looking for direction is a moot point.

I want to take this moment to thank all of our soldiers and service men and women. It's not an easy job, and the monetary compensation will never be enough for the way that they defend our country with their lives. But, we thank them in hopes that it will keep them strong. If you know a soldier, police officer, fire-fighter, or other keeper-of-our-country's-peace, please say a little prayer for them tonight, and for those who have lost a loved one on 9/11 or in the aftermath.

I will sleep soundly tonight, but only because of the sacrifice of others.

I guess I found more words than I thought I had inside of me. Thank you to my husband for nine years of service.....you have been strong, brave, and selfless, and I love you for that.

It's the end of an era for my little family, and just the beginning on the road back to

freedom and safety for America.

God Bless the USA.